For Heaven's Sake... I Don't Want To Put Any one's Panties In A Bunge.. As An Existentialist I'll Accept The Inevitable And...

For Heaven's Sake... I Don't Want To Put Any one's Panties In A Bunge.. As An Existentialist I'll Accept The Inevitable And Apologize In Advance. This evening I had a long conversation with a conservative friend of mine who recently retired from a long and decidedly bizarre career as a capitol hill, XXX, NRA, Corporate Oil, "Hired Gun" for a Republican U.S. Senator now high level government/private sector Poster Boy on the 2ND Amendment, Laissez Fare economy, Black Ops. & Globalization Campaign. My acquaintance abdicated his familial duties as heir to a hereditary plan, the 7th and final front (generation) of which will needless to say, end with his Father's performance and archetypical tender, as a U.S.N. Admiral. Let's call my friend Mr. Z. Z is now driving a truck, hauling 50' yachts for those watching us from Ivory Towers, situated along the Eastern Seaboard. He says buy gold, buy a gun or seven, buy vegetable seeds. buy a generator and a means of methane production, buy some chickens - goats - a few cows and don't forget a bull or a half dozen tubes of frozen bull semen (long rubber gloves included) & a couple pairs of mustangs and a pair of Percherons (a back stock of frozen semen for all mammals. Yes! He said, "All mammals!"). Wait - I haven't even gotten to the part I apologized in advance for. Fuxx you very much! Please, walk this way. No! Not that direction, "This Way". Yeah! "That's the ticket." Start out with baby steps and - stretch... streeetch... streeeeetch... Now ya got it! Needless to say, his prediction of gloom and substantial doom, as an erudite speculator of imminent global events - artificial and natural, has got me thinking - what am I? What do I want "to be or not to be"? Many difficult decisions to make, each better to resolve sooner than later. Being raised Methodist or rather baptized Methodist, raised by atheists and surrounded by Mormons and Catholics, I eliminated Mormonism summarily. I like my espresso grind french roast and hate canned foods, with the exception of canned Progresso Soup, Stag Chile and Pate de (pick any poultry's liver). Atheist was next to go. Everyone knows "there are no atheists in fox holes" and I've lived in fox holes often - metaphorically speaking. After great deliberation, I've decided to become a "Metho-Catho-lic-dist". Why - you ask? Well even if you didn't, I'm gonna tell ya! God... Well, she/he has given us two wonderful gifts, both of which have a devilish propensity to promote abuse and maybe "self abuse". Get it? I did a "double entendre". Wow! Maybe I'll do another! First, let's review the story of the Baptist, the Lutheran and the Methodist, regarding heterosexual, sexual intercourse as well as, three Nuns from the Order of Prepetual Menstruation, in confession. Next, let's examine the gift of distilled, fermented and brewed spirits from the aforementioned - respective, perspectives. Since LSK says the Catholics were first, we'll start with the denomination with really - really - really long wedding ceremonies where not all get a snack and beverage intermission, during the ritual. i have attended some exhaustingly long wedding masses, where I would have gladly performed punitively turgid acts of contrition, just to get a wafer thin helping of flesh and a "coupita de sangria". Back to the game! Three Nuns from the order of... Well you know - were waiting to enter the confessional at Our Lady of Double Malt. Nun number one enters the confessional and acts as if she doesn't know Father Ignatius Ramirez VonBreckenfelt Miranda Lopez Sanchez O'Flarety. She bows her head, clasps her hands together and says, "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have seen a man's penxx." Father Ignatius replies, "Oh' Sister, if you hadn't seen it before, you wouldn't know what it was. Say ten Hail Mary's and wash your eyes in the Holy Water." The next Nun enters the confessional and begins the drill. "Father please bless me for I have sinned. I have touched a man's penxx." "Haven't we all Sister? Say ten hail Mary's and wash your hands in the Holy Water." The last Nun reluctantly enters the confessional. The same preamble takes place and the Nun disseminates her confession. She leaves the confessional and approaches her associates at the cistern of sacred water. The brides of the trinity stare at Nun number with anxious countenance . Nun number three motions with her hands, as if reenacting - Moses parting the Red Sea. She says, "Move over girls! I gotta gargle!" From a sex value system, I have to eliminate Catholicism. My Mom taught me, "A gentleman never tells." To be continued: Peace Out! Bnic